The Long Way Back To Myself
After my mom passed away, I always dreamt of helping others who were in a similar situation to me. People who had been struggling with losing a parent at an early age, people who would wake up everyday, not wanting to get out of bed, wanting to die. The only issue back then was that I didn't know the solution to the problem that I was dealing with. It was like a black hole with no light at the end of the tunnel. I was trapped.
Honestly, at the time I wasn't sure that it was possible to heal and recover from the state that I was in. Instead of even attempting it, I went in a completely different direction. This brought me further into the darkness and further away from the person I wanted to be.
At the high school that I went to, there is a science based program that starts in 10th grade. You need to achieve a grade of 75 or better in your 9th grade math and science classes in order to get into it. I had no interest in joining this program, but my mom pushed me to keep my options open. I barely scraped by with a 75, but I did and so I ended up doing what my mom encouraged me to do and I joined.
The summer after my mom and I made this decision together, she passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. In my mind, I decided that I would dedicate my schooling to her. I decided that I would put everything I had into this science program. That's exactly what I did. I went from barely getting into the program to scoring a 98 on my 10th grade science exam.
Not only did I do this for my mom, but looking back, this was also my way of coping with my mom's death. I realize now thaty my first addiction was to school, to studying. It was a means of escape for me. I would spend hours a day at the library after school ended just so that I didn't have to go home to a house that was missing the most important piece of it, my mom. I got so lost in this addiction that I became a straight A student. I remember spending late nights at the library being so captivated by what I was studying that nothing else was in my mind.
In doing this, I learned that hard work can bring me anywhere, which is a valuable lesson, but I allowed it to bring me to a place that I didn't even want to go. I was so caught up in the escape and doing what I thought my mom would have wanted for me that I spent the next 6 years, through CEGEP and college, pursuing an engineering degree. I went from the kid that was resisting going into the science program in 10th grade to achieving my Bachelor's of Science in Mechanical Engineering.
Not only did nobody notice this maladaptive coping mechanism, I was actually praised for it. When teenagers are doing well in school, everyone usually thinks that they must have it together. For me, that was not the case. For me, my good grades were the beginning of a long, dreadful journey ahead.
Rather than doing what I wanted to do, I was doing something as a means to an end. I was chasing the gratification that I was hoping to feel when I got good grades and eventually obtained a degree. That gratification came in short spurts, but it was never lasting the way I hoped it would. This was my way of surviving.
The one thing that I had been looking for in all of this, I never got. I kept searching and searching for it, yet it never came. Validation from my mom was all I ever wanted since she passed away.
I didn't realize it then but while I was in the middle of my college degree, I had strayed so far away from the path that I wanted to follow in my life. I had strayed so far from what that 15 year old kid wanted to do so badly. I had strayed away from my dream of helping others. I came to this realization when I was in treatment and that is when I decided to pursue a degree in psychology. I wanted to help others get from where I was to where I am today.
When I was in grade 11, we had an assignment to write and present a speech in front of our peers. I decided to write a speech about my mom. I got extremely vulnerable in front of people who I had never been vulnerable in front of before. I am not exactly sure what my intentions were in that moment, but I can now see that I was trying to self correct myself back onto the path that I wanted to be on. I didn't know it at the time but I wanted to spread awareness about mental health, to help other people relate, to help others feel less alone. Maybe part of it was even to help myself feel less alone, to let people that I was closest to know that I was hurting.
Finally, today I get to live my life for myself in honour of my mom rather than living my life for her. As a result, I get to do the things that are meaningful to me rather than doing things that I thought would make her proud. I had to come to the realization that she is proud of me no matter what and I no longer need to prove my worth to her. For that matter, I no longer need to prove my worth to anyone.
This path that I am on gives me purpose. It gets me excited to wake up in the morning. One of my favourite lines from a book is: "No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we can see that our experience can benefit others." I am now able to use my experience, no matter how gruelling and miserable it was, to be able to help others see the light at the end of the tunnel the way that I eventually did.
