Life Is Ups and Downs
I've had a tough last few weeks. I'm not sure exactly what has changed, but I do know that I've been living in my head much more than I would like. I've been hyper-fixating on things that bother me; relationships, friends, connections. These all tie into my negative core belief that I'm not good enough and that nobody likes me. It's something that I've been working through since this journey began.
It's wild because I'm surrounded by such amazing people. It just goes to show me that nothing external can fix the turmoil that is going on internally. While I have this belief that I'm not good enough, nobody can convince me otherwise, even if that's what I think it will take. If I make a new friend, I will want to make another friend. If I meet a girl, I'll find a reason for it not to work. No matter who I'm around, no matter what other people tell me, this internal feeling cannot be fixed by anything other than healing the turmoil from within.
The healing starts with loving myself. But what does that mean?
Loving oneself is a very abstract concept. I think the reason for this uncertainty is because we're not taught to love ourselves from a young age, it is something that comes about when we are older. The reason for this is because we rely on others to love us when we are younger and then all of the sudden as part of the transition into adulthood, we are supposed to love ourselves. The problem is, nobody teaches us how.
Honestly, I am still trying to figure it out. What I think it means is a total acceptance of who I am. I think it also comes with integrity and living according to my values. At the end of the day, am I okay with my actions and the person that I am becoming?
The truth is, I am doing these things and yet still, I feel this inner turmoil, this inner dialogue in my head telling me that I am not good enough. Does that mean I've failed? Does that mean that this recipe that I have to find internal love is wrong? I don't think that's what it means. I think I just need to keep on keeping on.
At the beginning, I thought that this was the solution, live with integrity and the voice inside my head will disappear. Rather, I am learning that even if I continue to do the next right thing, there will still be certain things I battle with.
I keep saying I think, because I am no expert. Far from it. The only thing I am an expert in is my own experience.
The idea of faith comes into play here. The idea that as long as I continue to do the next right thing, the universe will respond. Maybe not right away, but it will respond. This shows me that even if we are doing everything right, sometimes it still won't click. Doing the right thing does not guarantee immediate peace. Treating someone else well does not mean that others will automatically treat us well. Staying sober won't necessarily give me peace and serenity, at least not right away. What I do know for sure, though, is that if I don't stay sober, I would be in the depths of hell immediately.
Writing that I've been struggling after telling so many people for so long that I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams may seem contradictory. I don't think it is.
It actually fits right into what I initially wanted to write about, and it reminds me of something my sponsor once told me. My sponsor once asked me how it's going. I responded by saying it's been up and down. He looked at me and said "Jason, you'll soon come to realize that is life. Life is ups and downs."
I never saw this because for the first year and a half of my sobriety, I was on what they call a pink cloud. The first year and a half of my recovery was relatively easy. I didn't experience many downs and so when I experienced my first one, I thought my life was falling apart. But just like he said, that's life.
So while it might be true, I have been struggling for the last few weeks, it doesn't mean that when I zoom out to the bigger picture, I have actually been living a life beyond my wildest dreams. Sometimes, though, I do need to remind myself of this because when I am in the valleys, I can totally forget about the peaks. I need to remind myself that these hard times don't erase the great times. I just happen to be walking through the downs of life right now. What keeps me going is having faith that the peaks are right around the corner.
Just because I am walking through a valley right now, it doesn't mean I've taken a wrong turn.
