Learning to Belong
My whole life I went from friend group to friend group, always blaming other people for the reason a friendship didn’t work out. I would find what I thought was my community and then inevitably act out in one way or another, blame them for the falling out and go find a different friend group to immerse myself in. That was the story of my life from the age of 15 to 22.
At the end of this time, I ran out of people to hang out with and I decided I was better off as a one man crew. I thought nobody deserved my friendship and so I isolated myself for more than 6 months.
Throughout this isolation, I always expected my old friends to reach out to me because they hadn't seen from me or heard from me in months. That never happened and it left me with a big resentment for all the people that used to be in my life.
As soon as I started to do the work though, I realized that I was the common denominator in all of these friendships that ended. I had to look myself in the mirror and realize that I was self-centred and I thought the world revolved around me. I didn't care about my behaviours or the way I treated others. I no longer blame my friends for not reaching out to me. It actually falls on me to apologize for the part that I played in all of the failed friendships. I was never willing to do anything differently, to actually put action in to become a better version of myself. That was, until I hit rock bottom.
When I went to treatment, the thing that was emphasized most while I was there was community. We were about 30 clients together throughout my time there. The staff referred to us as a community. It was actually kind of a cute way of looking at it. We were a community. We would eat meals together, go through hard times together, show up for each other, participate in activities together. These people ended up becoming like my brothers and sisters, my fathers and mothers. My second family. We knew everything about each other.
As soon as I got out of detox, I felt like I belonged. I had no clue how, but everyone knew my name. I realized later the excitement that came with a new person entering detox, everyone asking for the person's name and waiting eagerly to invite them and welcome them into the community.
As big a part of welcoming people into the community was, saying bye to them was equally as big. Every time someone left, we had what was called a key out. We would go around a circle and all say all the amazing things that we learned about this person and what they meant to us. One of the things that most people wished those who were leaving was that they would find their tribe, find their own community as they were leaving treatment and re-immersing themselves back into the world.
This was my introduction into how important community really was. What an awesome lesson it was. I learned what it meant to show up for other people and to allow other people to show up for me. This is the basis of how I lived the last two years through my recovery, making connections with others. I also learned that people would come and people would go in my life. It happened in rehab almost daily. It wasn't easy. It taught me the lessons of welcoming new people into my life and also the impermanence of friendship. Not all friendships are going to last forever. That's okay. It is about reflecting on how and why these friendships ended and taking responsibility where necessary.
Most of the connections that I made before I got sober were solely transactional. I would do something for you if you did something for me. We can go out for dinner together, but only if you're going to pay. We can watch the game together, but only if you're going to bring the weed. If somebody didn't have something to offer me, I wouldn't entertain being friends with them.
This idea has completely changed for me being in recovery. Today, I am able to show up for others without getting anything in return and also allow others to show up for me without me necessarily giving anything back to them.
Today; community, fellowship and connecting with others is the foundation of my recovery. Meeting like minded people who I have things in common with has allowed me to feel a part of. It has allowed me to feel like I belong. This was something I was searching for my whole life; in weed, alcohol and other drugs. Those drugs never gave it to me though, they only gave me the illusion of fitting in.
Recovery truly gave me everything that I was searching for in active addiction. Back then, I was always searching for something that I wasn't able to find. It was almost like the way that I was carpet surfing looking for small specs of cocaine that I can snort yet most of the time, it was just crumbs from dinner. At one point, I genuinely thought that I was friends with my dealer who would just hang out with me to use the drugs he just sold me and I hung out with him because I thought he would give me more of a discount. That is not what connection looks like. That is not what friendship is.
Recovery saved my life and actually gave me a life that is worth living. It gave me friends that I actually like and that actually like me. It gave me community. It gave me a sense of belonging.
