I Am No Longer Obsessed, But I Still Think About Using

Something that I struggle with being in recovery is the idea that I will always have the battle in my head of the pros and cons of using drugs. I am someone who will fantasizes over what it would feel like to do heroin or meth or crack or ecstasy, all drugs I’ve never tried. At the same time though, I know to a certain extent how horribly it would effect my life. As they say in the program: jails, institution or death. In reality, it is so much more than that. I would lose all of the beautiful relationships that I have grown in my life in the last two years.

The loss that I would experience as a result of ever using drugs again would be so much more significant than the good feelings I would get from them. That’s why, one day at a time, I don’t need to go back to using. That is as long as I remember that no matter what happens, I will always be powerless over drugs, alcohol and all mind altering substances.

Again though, while that is true, it doesn’t mean that I don’t “want” to use drugs. I do “want” to. But the desire that I have to continue living this life that is beyond my wildest dreams is greater than the desire to know what it would feel like to try any of these drugs that I have never tried before.

I think the thing I miss most about using drugs is the lack of responsibility and lack of care that comes with it. The perceived freedom that comes with sitting on my couch at 11 am doing lines of coke while watching TV for the 16th hour in a row.

A lot of people who are in recovery say that they know exactly what would happen after they had their first drink or first drug. There is the idea that upon ingestion, we, as addicts, will be off to the races and back to where we were at the end of our active addiction. I used to think this was true for me too. But how would I know? I’ve never tried it. The truth is, I have no idea what would happen. I'm not saying that wouldn't happen, I just don't know. Maybe I would be able to “drink like a gentleman”. The problem is, I don’t know that. I have no clue. The fear that I would end up under a bridge smoking crack and ultimately be homeless is too big of a risk.

It’s not worth it.

Not only is it not worth the risk, but it no longer aligns with who I am as a person today. Going out and getting mangled does not align with my values or how I see the world. I am a believer that happiness comes from within. It can’t come from the outside. It can’t come from a substance. It can’t come from a relationship.

So why would I drink alcohol, why would I use drugs?

These things used to be my safe haven. They used to delude me into thinking I was okay, that I felt okay. Again though, that was just a delusion. I don’t have those delusions anymore. Somebody once told me that he used to think that 1+1=3. When he finally realized that 1+1=2, he was never able to un-see it. This resonated with me so much. I can no longer un-see the maladaptive behaviours in substance use and how it no longer is in line with who I am as a person today.

I used to think about drugs and alcohol non stop. Not one second of the day would go by where I wouldn’t be obsessing over it. If I had just taken a hit, I wanted another. If I just woke up, I needed my first hit. If I was about to go to bed, I wasn’t drunk enough yet.

It was a constant obsession of the mind.

Somehow, through recovery, this obsession was lifted. I don’t know how. I truly didn’t think it would ever be possible. I said from a relatively young age that I could never imagine living without drugs. I just couldn’t imagine it. Now, it is my reality.

Like I said, I don't know how. What I do know though, is that it is possible. Recovery is possible. The freedom from obsessive thoughts about substances is possible.