First Time Smoking Weed: It Wasn’t About the Weed

It was Grade 9, after Christmas break when I heard for the first time that my friends were interested in smoking weed. At this time, I did not really feel apart of the group. This was the peak of me feeling like an outsider among my friends. Up to this point, I had always been scared of the word "drugs". I had never considered trying them. I didn't think I ever would, honestly. There was discourse around it in my house that drugs were bad, and good kids don't do drugs,  drugs will kill you. I had a real fear of it. 

When I heard for the first time that they were smoking weed, it was a mix of feelings. The feelings of fear and of exclusion, sadness came up. It is so interesting that I felt excluded from something that I didn't want to be apart of. I still have this feeling often today. The validation that comes with being invited somewhere overtakes  not wanting to be there for me. And then it turns into people pleasing by showing up and wasting energy on something that I don't want to be apart of. 

At first, I reached out to a friend from out of town who had already smoked before and I was talking to her about it. I said things like "I don't even want to smoke…" The hurt feelings of being left out ultimately trumped the fright. I inquired to my friends who were the ones smoking about it. Eventually, I pushed my way in. I was scared, but now I felt apart of, even if I invited myself. The people pleasing in me, the feeling that I wanted everyone to like me made me go against my morals, against what was taught in my family that smoking weed was bad, was wrong. 

I don't even remember my first high, but at the beginning that wasn't what it was about. It was about fitting in, being a shape shifter, adapting to who I thought my friends wanted to be around. I was constantly putting different masks on trying to fit in. This drove me further away from my authentic self. And so I became this frightened kid who now wanted to smoke weed. The first time we hung out and smoked, it was like a breath of fresh air. Not the smoke being inhaled into my lungs, but the community. This is what I had been looking for. 

Now I was getting invited to hang out with the cool kids, doing what was viewed as cool. Then, I started to finally feel the high. Woah. That high plus the feeling of community. Those feelings that I had been trying to run away from my whole life, the feelings of being an outsider, not fitting in, anger, sadness… all gone. I immediately wanted to do it at all times. I went from thinking I was the biggest loser in the world to feeling like the coolest kid ever. The rap songs that I was listening to talking about smoking up and doing drugs took on a whole new meaning for me. It gave me an identity that I never had. I wanted to be the pot head, the weed smoker, and that’s exactly what I became not long after. 

The mix of the fear of missing out, wanting to be apart of and enjoying getting high was an unstoppable combination. It wasn't long after that that I started hanging out late with friends, missing family dinners all because I wanted to get high. It eventually came to the point where I didn't see a life where I wasn't high at all times. Quickly, my addictive behaviors, although I didn't know it at the time, started pushing these people away. I was back to being alone, feeling alone, but I had this substance. This substance gave me a different perspective on feeling alone. I thought I would never truly feel the same type of alone again as long as I had my marijuana. Eventually, that loneliness was exacerbated greatly, especially when my solution, the drugs, no longer did what they once did.