730 Days
May 10, 2024 to May 10, 2026. A lot has changed.
I am two years sober today. It doesn't feel real. My dad asked me earlier this week how I was feeling as I was approaching two years and the reality is, I think I've been completely numb to it up to this point. It still doesn't make sense how I am able to go a day without substances let alone 730 days in a row.
On my four month sober anniversary, my sponsor at the time suggested I do a meditation where I think back at where I was four months ago to that day and all that has happened in between. I did this on my five month anniversary, my six, seven and I did it this morning on my 24 month anniversary.
Two years ago today, I know exactly where I was.
Two years ago today, I was a zombie.
Two years ago today, I was a shell of myself.
Two years ago today, I wanted to die.
Two years ago today, I woke up at the hotel at the Chicago airport ready to catch my flight to Orlando.
Two years ago today, it was the first day of what I didn't realize at the time would lead to two years straight with no substance use.
Not only has the last two years been substance free, it has been filled with introspection that I never could have imagined. I have learned more about myself in the last two years than I even realized there was to know. The coolest part about it is that the constant discovery never stops. This week, I learned something extremely groundbreaking about why I am the way I am. It came to me one day through writing (to be seen in next week's blog post).
The work never stops, but it doesn't even feel like work.
This is what my life is now. My life is recovery. It's not as exhausting as it sounds though. My life is full of things I love doing. I have set my recovery up in a way where I enjoy it. The day to day activities; the mundane ones, the exciting ones. It doesn't only consist of going to meetings every day. It doesn't consist of a list of chores I need to do every day. Every day, I get to do things I love and these things in turn help me to maintain my sobriety.
Whether it's meetings, connecting with others, working out, sleeping, jiu jitsu, meditation, journaling, reading, helping others.
This is what my "boring" life consists of. This is what my "awesome" life consists of. Both things can be true. My life can be boring and it can be awesome. It can be boring and it can be exciting. I do basically the same things every day yet every day is so different. I interact with different people, have different experiences, learn new things, take on different perspectives. I am excited to get out of bed every morning to see what my day brings. Each time I learn something new, I get to work on implementing it into my life. As I do that, I get to watch the blessings unfold in real time.
I went from a victim who was simply trying to survive to someone who takes responsibility for their life and is thriving.
The other day I said to my brother, "it's ridiculous how people honk at me when I take an extra second to go after the light turns green." After saying this to him, I realized the reason it takes me an extra second is either because I'm not paying attention or because I'm on my phone. So who's fault is it that they're honking? Is it because they're impatient? Maybe. I prefer to look at it as because I'm not doing what I should be doing which is keeping my eyes on the road. It's so much easier to take responsibility and make changes than it is to blame others and hope they make changes.
Someone told me something one day that I want share with you. It changed my life. We can't control other people. We can't force people to have their own spiritual awakenings. We can't force people to see our perspective.
The key to this life that I live today is acceptance. Acceptance that things are the way that they are. Acceptance that there are certain things I cannot change. Acceptance of who I am and my shortcomings. Acceptance of who other people are and their shortcomings.
Another key to my life is love. Loving others. Loving myself. Loving the process. Loving the discomfort. Loving the journey.
As many of you know, I talk about Michael Singer a lot but another author that has truly shaped my perspective is Byron Katie. She wrote a book called loving what is, and one of my favourite quotes from her is "We suffer only when we want things to be different from what they are". Her whole premise is that we must come to accept and love life the way that it is because no matter how badly we might want to change something, sometimes we simply can't.
When I went to treatment, I told everyone that I would be having a beer at the airport on the way home. Not because I was mocking the whole thing, but because I didn't think alcohol was my problem. Through going to treatment, I realized I was right, but not in the way I wanted to be right. Alcohol wasn't my problem. Drugs weren't my problem. I was my problem. My perspective was my problem. The way I lived my life was my problem. The way I played the victim was my problem. The need to control things was my problem.
Since I found that to be true, I also learned that abstinence from these things was not going to solve these problems. But what is true is that I could never solve all of these problems as long as I relied on temporary relief from these things. I needed to take these things out of my life in order to have a clear head, in order to feel my feelings, in order to heal. Now that I am well along my journey of healing, substances no longer fit into my life. This healing process is a forever one. I am making progress toward perfection. But perfect, I will never be. Sober, I will continue to be, one day at a time, as long as I stay away from substances, continue to practice introspection, continue to connect with others, continue to help others and continue to do the things that I love.
I am also so grateful for the support I have had along the way. My dad, my brothers, my sister-in-laws, George and so many others that would be too many to list. Thank you so much for helping me find my way in this life. Thank you for my two years of continuous sobriety.
Most importantly though, I want to thank my mom. What better day for this to fall on than Mother's day. Mom, I love you. You mean the world to me.
