I Didn't Know I Was Saying Goodbye

You never know what you have until it's gone.

Many years ago, this sentence meant nothing to me. I had never lost anyone close to me. Actually, I thought I was immune to something as traumatic as what happened to me.

Just because I thought I was immune, it didn't make it true.

As many of you know, my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly over 10 years ago. One second everything was fine and the next, my life was turned upside down.

What many of you don't know is the events between my mom and I in the weeks leading up to her death.

It started on her birthday. What nobody knew at the time, obviously, was that it was going to be her last birthday. Because I had a baseball game on her actual birthday, we decided to go for her birthday dinner a couple of days before her actual birthday. Just like at most family dinners, especially the ones where I wasn't the centre of attention, I was a misery. My food came out wrong and I remember making it everyone else's problem. In my mind and in my perspective, I ruined the dinner for everyone. There is actually a family picture that we took after the dinner and I look absolutely miserable in it. It makes me so sad to look at to this day.

A couple of days later, on her actual birthday, my baseball game ended up getting rained out. The rest of my family decided to go out for dinner again on her actual birthday. In my mind, though, since we went out a couple of days before, I wasn't obliged to go and so I didn't. Instead, I decided to go to the park with my friends and smoke weed for probably the fifth time in my life.

Going to hang out with people and do something that made me feel included superseded going out for dinner with someone that I loved very much to celebrate their birthday. For so long after my mom died, I never admitted this to anyone. I had so much shame around this event. Around the choice that I made.

A few days after this, I went away to summer camp. It was my wilderness year and that meant we were set to go on a 5 day bike, 5 day hike and 5 day canoe trip throughout the summer.

Right before I left on my bike trip, it was my family friend's birthday at camp. That day, my mom did something that really showed who she was.

It was during a fire drill at camp, the entirety of camp was lined up on the field and all of a sudden, I saw my mom walking down the path wearing one of those t-shirts that had a picture of a woman's body in a bikini. She came up to camp with my family friend's mom, surprising all of us as they both walked in front of the whole camp looking this way. For me, a 15 year old at the time, I was so embarrassed.

That day though, was the final time I would see my mom in person. A day I will never forget.

As she was leaving camp, I was sitting in the arts and crafts building and she saw me from afar. She yelled "Bye JJ." Again, embarrassing me. I got up and gave her a big hug goodbye.

That would end up being the last time I hugged my mom. A moment I will never forget.

While that was the last time I ever saw my mom in person, it wasn't the last time I had the opportunity to talk to her. Though, I wish it was.

The last time I ever talked to my mom on the phone, I hung up on her. We were talking about some girl problems that I was having and I did not like the advice that she was giving me so I decided to end the call.

Similar to skipping out on her last birthday dinner, I had so much shame around this as well. For many years after this, I never clicked the hang up button on anybody that I loved. Truly, I was traumatized.

Through deep, intensive work, I have come out of the shame and the guilt that I felt around these events. That isn't to say that they don't still affect me deeply, because they do. They do have a different affect on me now, though, than they did years ago.

I need to remind myself that I was just a 15 year old boy who didn't know any better. I wish I took that saying more seriously, though. You really never know what you have until it's gone. And now that it's gone, I wish I had it back, I wish I had done things differently.

At 25 years old and with all of the experiences that I have had, I know this. Giving grace to that 15 year old who didn't know what I know now was a major part of the healing process.

Now, I know to enjoy every moment that I have while surrounded by people that I love. There is a certain fear that comes with losing someone close to you that other people close to me will die too. While it is something uncomfortable to sit with, there are positives to it too.

And that is, for the most part, never taking for granted of the time that I do have with them.