A Forgotten Dream Comes Full Circle

This week I start my Master’s of Psychology.

What a massive milestone for me. From being that lost 16 year old boy who dreamed of one day helping others who were going through something similar to what I was going through, to now being over 2 years sober and taking a massive step towards making that a reality.

I want to talk a little bit about that dream and how it's led me to where I am today.

When I was 16, I was lost. I was in a state of shock. I didn't know what was ahead of me. I didn't know how to process my emotions. I didn't even know what it meant that my mom died. One moment she was there and the next she was gone. But how? And what did that mean moving forward?

The only thing that I knew for sure in that moment was that I missed my mom. I also knew that I didn't want to feel the way that I felt. That's one of the reasons I resorted to drug use. I remember from an early age saying that the reason I smoked weed was because I wanted to feel different than the way that I felt when I woke up. Deep down, I knew this wish wasn't normal, but it was all I knew.

I also knew deep down that I wanted to find a real solution to these problems one day. I wasn't ready in that moment to search for it deep within myself. I remember thinking to myself that when I did find that solution, I was going to share it with the world. I didn't want anyone else in the world to have to deal with what I was dealing with.

At that moment, when I was 16, what I was dealing with was the unknown. The inability to truly name my emotions. The unknown of what was coming next. Not knowing what it was going to be like without my mom.

For the next 7 years, I totally forgot about this dream.

The first seed that was planted and the start of rediscovering this dream was when my therapist told me that I needed to begin to find purpose in my life. I was in my last semester of my engineering degree and when she told me that, I knew I wasn't going to find it in engineering. I knew that the idea of working for a big engineering firm and making some rich guy richer was not going to move the needle for me to get out of bed.

As I began to find the solution to my problems when I was in treatment, ultimately, this dream became rediscovered and I knew without a doubt how I was going to find purpose in my life. I was going to help other people navigate through things that I struggled so much with; grief, addiction, relational issues. I struggled with existing in this complicated world.

I struggled with ever having a routine that made me feel good. I struggled with being true to myself and showing up in authentic ways. I struggled with understanding my pain and taking action to heal it.

I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to carry out this dream, but I knew it involved taking small steps toward it. First, it started with beginning to heal myself. The reason I say beginning to heal is because it will be an ongoing process for the rest of my life. After the start of my healing process, I decided to take a few psychology classes to see if it was something I would be interested in. When I learned that I was interested, I began applying to work at rehab centres to learn more about the field. Lastly, I applied to different Master's of Psychology programs.

This brings me to where I am today. Having started my Master's in Psychology this week, my life really has come full circle back to that 16 year old boy.

While that dream went dormant for a while, my life ultimately brought me back to it. I now know that I am walking in the right direction, helping other people navigate something that I struggled so deeply with.

Where this path is leading, though, I am not sure. What I do know for sure is that I will continue to share my story in the hopes that other people can resonate with it and feel less alone.